Years ago, I idea of myself as someone who would probably never get married. I thought I was merely "wired" for relationships that were fun only ultimately short-lived. I dated a lot, slept around, and always had an exit strategy.

Fast forward to today and as a happily hubby, I'm honestly surprised by how piece of cake it was for me to transition to a committed, life-long relationship. In fact, it feels damn good!

The truth is, while I did a lot of work on myself, a lot of it was but looking for a skilful partner.

I get hundreds of emails each year from people struggling in their relationships. And a lot of those people are either engaged or thinking about getting married. I often want to wave a behemothic neon flag at them shouting, "Don't do it!" considering getting married for the wrong reasons can take dire consequences—not just emotionally, but financially, equally well.

Later working with dozens of couples on this issue, I've put together ii checklists below that summarize everything. The first checklist is the BAD reasons people get married. The second checklist outlines the Practiced reasons to get married. Check it out.

About of these horrible reasons to become married will probably seem obvious and maybe fifty-fifty a fiddling ridiculous. But for a lot of usa, information technology's really hard to accept an objective look at our own motivations and come across them for what they really are.

Sometimes, your real intentions are hidden a few layers deep and yous just demand someone to lovingly shake them to the surface for you.

And then here, let me assistance you with that.

Terrible Reason to Get Married #ane: To Solve Your Relationship Bug

For some reason, a lot of people seem to think that something magical happens when you become married and all the fights and toxic cycles of beliefs disappear.

This is tragically misguided.

Committing to someone by getting married amplifies all the facets of your relationship. So if yous genuinely dearest and respect one another, that love and respect tin can grow and evolve in a married couple.

Just the same is true for the bug you accept in your relationship. If yous're bad at communicating in your human relationship, miscommunications will simply get worse in your marriage. If you don't accept respect for 1 another, you lot won't gain it past getting married. You'll probably lose it even more.

Basically, when yous get married, things can get even amend if they're already adept, but they just get worse if they're already bad.

Terrible Reason to Go Married #two: Because You're Afraid of Being Alone

Being alone tin really suck.

What sucks even more, though, is marrying the next person who comes along but because you're tired of being lone—and and then they turn out to exist terrible for you.

You've probably heard this earlier. But no one is going to exist happy being with you if y'all can't be happy being by yourself.

I'm betting nobody ever told you how to go about doing that though. After all, it seems like a catch-22: you lot need to be happy by yourself before you can brand someone else happy, but you're not happy because you don't take someone to make yous happy.

Terrible reason to get married - you're afraid of being alone

The problem is the way you're judging and valuing yourself. You're valuing others' opinions of yous more than than you lot're valuing your own opinion of yourself. You lot think your value as a person is determined by who you're with. Merely call up virtually how fucked up that is for a second.

Develop yourself into who y'all want to be first. Get healthy. Leave your dead-finish job and get serious most your career. Get your finances in gild. Then detect someone who is excited to exist with you because yous boot so much ass already.

Terrible Reason to Get Married #3: To Show Something

Maybe your crazy aunt keeps telling yous about how "the clock is ticking" and you lot're non getting any younger. Or your begetter thinks you demand to "grow up already." Or perhaps your parents got divorced and you're determined to show the world that you're better than them. Or all your friends are married now and you lot want to show them you're not just the third or 5th or eleventh cycle all the time.

Sometimes it's a little more subtle merely just every bit fucked upwards. Similar, some people see marriage as a status symbol, and so they get married thinking they'll parade around town with their spouse and people will bow in their presence like they simply conquered Westeros or something.

Whatsoever information technology is, getting married to prove something to someone—or yourself—is a god awful reason to do it.

terrible reasons to get married - to prove something
"See, expect how happy we are together. See? See?"

Terrible Reason to Get Married #iv: Because It's Practical

Depending on which country you live in, a legal marriage tin come with many practical benefits. You may be tempted to marry to authorize for revenue enhancement breaks, receive your spouse'due south social security benefits, be able to adopt, get a spouse visa, etc.

There's nada wrong with receiving these perks, but if they're the only reason you're marrying someone—i.e. committing to them until death practise you part—then something's not quite right.

The fact is that a matrimony isn't going to piece of work unless both people are in information technology for each other and no one else. The state may treat you differently, merely outside maybe your parents, the earth genuinely doesn't intendance if y'all get married. Billions of people have done it. You don't become a gold star and actress warm cookies on the plane merely because you're married. You also don't become to rub it in anyone'southward confront for more than a few months, tops. And then what?

I'll tell y'all what: then you're stuck in a matrimony trying to figure out if it was worth it later all.

Then if any of these terrible reasons to get married apply to your situation, well commencement, don't become married. Second, work on your relationship skills. Larn about healthy and toxic behaviors in relationships. Familiarize yourself with how emotional needs work so you can better get yours met and meet the needs of others. It takes a lot of time, just it will save yous a lot of hurting and perchance a divorce or three downward the road.

On the other manus, if you can take an honest wait at your relationship and say that none of these terrible reasons to get married utilise to your state of affairs, and so great.

Read on.

Alright, so y'all've adamant that yous're non thinking about getting married for the wrong reasons, merely you're not out of the wood all the same, my friend.

Beneath are some of what I've determined to be the most important aspects of a human relationship that bode well for a healthy and happy marriage.

And even though I'm calling this a "checklist," I'm non proverb that this big of a decision tin be boiled down to a few "yes/no" questions and that'southward it. But if your relationship doesn't have these things already, let's but say that information technology'due south going to be pretty hard to brand a union piece of work in the long run.

1. Y'all Fight Well

A healthy relationship is not a human relationship without arguments. A healthy human relationship is a human relationship with salubrious arguments.

What I hateful is that not only are fights inevitable in fifty-fifty the happiest marriage, they can actually be a good matter for the human relationship if they are fought in a good for you way.

That means that, when you do get upset and argue with each other, you effort to get to the root of the issue itself and y'all don't set on the other person for who they are.

And then, for example, maybe your partner blew you off when you really needed them and you felt injure past information technology. Instead of telling them that they're a heartless fuckface who only cares nearly themselves, you lot should probably try to understand why you're so hurt in the first place and address that with them. Are y'all agape of being left alone in times like this? And if so, do they actually understand that? Is there some mode you can communicate when you really need them and are they willing to work with y'all on it?

Good reasons to get married - you fight well

Most arguments in relationships come from a misunderstanding of emotional needs. But that also ways there's an opportunity for yous both to a) effigy out what each other's needs are and b) larn how to go your needs met and meet the needs of the other person.

Then, when done from a place of mutual respect for one another's needs, this is how arguments tin can be a healthy part of a relationship.

And when you practise fight, it's important that, ultimately, y'all forgive each other and you forgive yourself. Y'all don't keep bringing up old issues merely instead, you acknowledge when someone messes up and you accept their apology (and they own up to it and change their beliefs). Simply you too admit when you're wrong and forgive yourself for information technology instead of continuing to beat out yourself up.

Once more, fights are inevitable, so you lot need to brand sure you're fighting well before you go married. Otherwise, be prepared to bargain with either a very short, tumultuous marriage or a very long, miserable marriage.

2. You Have Similar Worldviews and Visions for Your Hereafter

Cease and ask yourself this about your human relationship: are your lives going in the same direction and exercise you lot share similar values? Or is there friction when it comes to big life decisions? Do your career aspirations and/or lifestyles mesh well with one another?

If one of yous wants to exist an thespian and live in Los Angeles and one of y'all wants to alive a quiet life on a farm in Idaho, well how exactly is that going to work? One of you will have to give up on your dreams, creating a downward spiral of resentment and regret. And then no one "wins."

Good reasons to get married - your have similar worldviews

Similarly, if one of you lot wants to spend your coin on traveling and seeing the world but one of you would rather purchase a nice, big house and stay home to take intendance of it, that's likewise a recipe for conflict down the road.

Essentially, if one of you has to surrender on your dreams, your career, your passions, it'due south just not going to piece of work. One or both of you will wind up miserable and resenting each other.

And if one or both of you have to suppress or change your values in some fashion, you're as well in for a rocky marriage. Things like how to heighten kids (or if you desire them at all), religion, how you handle money issues, and then on. A lot of these things aren't sexy to think about, just over again, any issues y'all have at present in your relationship will exist magnified in your marriage. And the bigger the issue, the harder information technology will exist to ignore it for long.

3. At that place's a Stiff Friendship That Underpins the Human relationship

A fact of any long-term relationship is that romance dwindles, sexual desire comes and goes, and life just happens sometimes. Then it's all-time to take someone you lot tin can count on in other ways when these things do occur. You should exist marrying someone who's not just an ideal romantic partner for you lot, they're also your friend.

Good reasons to get married - there's a strong friendship that underpins the relationship

A skilful friendship involves accepting one another unconditionally, flaws and all. They might annoy you in some means and piss y'all off in others, but at the end of the solar day, y'all still want to be there for them and you desire them to exist in that location for you.

You don't get ill of each other, but when you lot do need your space, neither of y'all takes it personally and you requite information technology to each other.

And maybe almost importantly, y'all recall in terms of "we" and "us" and not "you" and "me." This is a production of having shared values that manifests every bit a solid, loving friendship. Of course, y'all recognize and respect ane some other'due south autonomy. But you lot're also a team, working towards the aforementioned goals.

If instead, y'all feel like the other person is always interfering with your independence, then you either take a mismatch in values (see above) or you accept some avoidant tendencies y'all need to deal with (see my article on attachment styles). Either manner, you need to piece of work this out before getting married.

4. Y'all See Spousal relationship as an Heady Option, Not an Obligation

Final, y'all shouldn't see getting married equally something that you take to do for whatsoever reason.

And I don't but hateful someone giving you an ultimatum—"we need to get married or I'1000 leaving"—although that's definitely one giant cerise flag not to get married. But you shouldn't also feel like you have to get married because "that's what people do" or because you've been with someone for a long time and feel like yous owe it to them.

A wedlock—and whatever relationship, really—is something that is created by ii people. Information technology'south a project, not an obligation.

And like any project worth doing in life, it can be challenging at times, merely it should too be exciting and, in the end, worth it for both of you.

Good reasons to get married - you're excited about it

Lots of people ask me which books I'd recommend for understanding and creating amend relationships that tin can pb to a salubrious marriage. The truth is, nearly books out on the topic give pretty shitty, vague communication that isn't all that useful.

That said, there are a few books out in that location that I regularly recommend to people, and I reviewed those in another article: 5 Relationship Books Everyone Should Read.

To give you the gist of it though:

  • My superlative ii are The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Getting the Dear Yous Desire past Harville Hendrix.
  • If you're the type who likes a more "academic" perspective, John Gottman's 7 Principles of a Successful Union is a nice overview of why relationships succeed and why they fail.
  • And if you find yourself in relationships where y'all're constantly fighting with one another, check out Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

You can also get my complimentary ebook on relationships and learn more nigh dealing with emotional needs in your relationships.

I've also written a lot nearly relationships—what makes them expert and what makes them bad, why they thrive and why they die, and what you can practice to start having meliorate ones. Here's a list of some of the most pop ones and some of my favorites equally well.

  • Dearest is Not Plenty
  • Fuck Yes or No
  • 1,500 People Requite All the Relationship Advice You lot'll Ever Need
  • A No-Bullshit Guide to Coming together the Correct Person
  • Attachment Theory
  • Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships
  • The Iii Loves Theory
  • Mayhap You Don't Know What Beloved Is
  • Change Your Listen About Dating
  • 6 Toxic Relationship Habits Almost People Recollect Are Normal
  • 6 Salubrious Relationship Habits Near People Think Are Toxic
  • Romance Is Like Alcohol
  • How to Survive a Long Distance Human relationship
  • Why People Crook in Relationships
  • 3 Elementary Explanations for Why You lot're Still Single
  • vii Things Sex activity Pedagogy Should Have Taught U.s. But Didn't
  • How Disney Ruined Sex For Everyone
  • Sex and Our Psychological Needs
  • How to Date an Emotionally Stable and Amazing Person
  • Why Everyone Yous Date Is A Psycho
  • The Guide to Strong Boundaries
  • Vulnerability and Avoiding Manipulative Relationships
  • It'due south Complicated: Why Relationships and Dating Can Exist And so Hard
  • My Girlfriend Only Dumped Me
  • Power in Vulnerability